Thursday, January 27, 2011

"Take the Stage Uniformly And Immediately Lay Into The Set"

Dean, Kevin, Dom & Jim,

Your "Record Release" show was an absolute embarrassment! Every single aspect of that show was chump! I CANNOT f***ing believe that you did not take that show seriously!!! That was your RECORD RELEASE show! Let me say that again . . . THAT WAS YOUR F***ING RECORD RELEASE SHOW!!! IN YOUR HOME F***ING TOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was your FIRST show putting your new record on a platform! AND AT HOME!!!

Your set was flat out HORRIBLE! Unrehearsed and sloppy. How the f*** can that show have not been so important??? You were an embarrassment to me AND to yourselves! YOU HAD MONTHS TO MAKE THAT THE BEST F***IN SHOW YOU HAVE EVER PLAYED!!! AND don't give me none of that bulllllllsh*t about Jim's wrist. He could have been playing only the kick drum and shaker during rehearsals. You had MONTHS to knock the f*** out of the people at that show. Instead you perform like a f***in' half ass cover band! You play to ONLY 300 people at your home town RECORD RELEASE show and 80% of them were at the bar in the back by the end of your set, if in the building at all! AND this is ALSO the VERY FIRST DAY any of your family, friends and fans can see your record . . . and you ONLY SELL 30 COPIES????!!!!!!!!! What the f*** is that!!!! Your set was so f***in' bad, that only 30 out of 300 people wanted to own your new record after what they just saw!!! I’d also bet money that most of those people bought your cd BEFORE the show!

Your set was not even close to tight! And you think you should be getting the attention The White Stripes get?? What a f***in' JOKE!!! What you did that night was the furthest thing from Rock 'n Roll I have EVER witnessed in ALL my years in this business!!! How you could not take that show seriously absolutely baffles me! You want your artistic freedom? Fine, then show me whatcha got and lay it the f*** on me . . . instead I stood there DISGUSTED!!! This is the band I spent over $200,000 of MY OWN MONEY ON?? When I ONLY had to spend $20,000??? Not to mention the f***in number of hours I have spent mentoring you!!!

Strike 1: Soundman! You are having your RECORD RELEASE show in your HOME town! Did it ever occur to you boys that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE it would be WISE to choose a soundman that actually KNOWS your record??? The one that you just finished??? He made you guys sound like SH*T!!! EVERY SINGLE thing was EQ'd and mixed wrong! Starting with NO REVERB on any vocals!!! Is there any f***ing band that can sing with no reverb??? Not to mention, he made your voices sound all wrong. Dom's vocal was EQ'd way too bright, Dean's as usual sounded like mud, Kevin were you just mouthing the words up there?? Then Dean, you are playing an amp that sounds like sh*t! Your f***in' AC30 is the ONLY amp you should play in my opinion! Don't give me the f***in' schematics of it either! Get the f***in' thing fixed! Kevin, your bass sounded undefined and muddy. Jim, if everyone stopped playing but you, and I closed my eyes, I would have guessed I was listening to Poison in '87! The kick couldn't have been any boomier and the snare sounded like f***in' shotguns with a faint tickle of your cymbals. Keyboards?? Percussion?? You should be proud that you paid them $100 of YOUR money just to be on stage, cause you sure as f*** couldn't hear 'em! How many times have I warned you guys about soundmen? I even told you what to say to them!!! You should have chosen the soundman and made triple sure that he knew your new album inside and out!!!

Strike 2: Mick Jagger wouldn't be hangin' out in the club before HIS RECORD RELEASE show! Make a f***in' statement!!! Your faces should not have been seen for ONE SECOND before you took that stage! Do you think the Rolling Stones would be walkin' around minglin' in the crowd before their RECORD RELEASE show?? Do you think Jack White would be caught dead in the crowd before he takes the stage?? Bush leagues!!! Dean, you're just f***in' hangin' out by the f***in' entrance before the show, AND SOMETIMES ALONE! PATHETIC!!! A REAL Rock 'n Roll band would have been backstage getting psyched up for the greatest show of their entire lives!!! Then take the stage uniformly and immediately lay into the set!! Also noting that they would have informed the guy at the lights to keep the stage pitch black until he hears the intro to the first song! Then, what REAL Rock 'n Roll bands do is mingle AFTER the show, listening to all the fans rave about them instead of making excuses!

Strike 3: Nice Set! If you want to play the whole record in it's entirety, fine, then F***IN' PLAY US THE G*D DAMNED RECORD!!! Play us that record SO F***IN' GOOD that EVERYONE buys one after the show! Not only does everyone buy it, but they go home and tell 2 friends how f***in' amazing you were while feeling LUCKY to have a copy of album BEFORE it comes out! Then the next time you play it f***in' sells out. There IS A F***IN' REASON why the White Stripes are exploding! Cause they are a f***in' great Rock 'n Roll band. They pay great attention to ALL of these details! The shit doesn't just fall into their laps for free!!! If you choose to play the record in sequence, then you should have made that show sound as if they were listening to that record LIVE!!! I would have made every aspect of the live set absolutely flawless, even down to the horns!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, by the way Kevin, that was real pro of you to use the word F**K about 12 times in 3 sentences on that pathetic thing you would have called an encore (which was undeserved I might add!). 80% of the whole f***in' crowd lost interest!!! F**K man, if you weren't my band I would have left! In fact, I f***in' should have walked out!! Great addition too bringing in 2 extra people that look ABSOLUTELY BORED on stage!!! The f***in' guy playing keyboards even put his f***in' head down DURING THE F***IN' SET!!! Oh by the way, the guys at 89X and the Riff were really impressed with the show, or I should say the 4 songs they actually stayed for! I sure the f**k hope that writer who is planning the feature on you there didn't witness that horses**t! If so, you can kiss that cover story goodbye . . . I sure as s**t hope that writer from MOJO wasn't there either! And I bet Jack White just can't wait to ask you out on the road now . . .

Strike 4: Never admit you suck! Dean, you actually apologized ON STAGE for being unrehearsed at your own f***ing RECORD RELEASE show!!! You apologized for sucking!!!???????? That ain’t Rock ‘n Roll man! I’m quite sure I wasn’t the only one in the crowd thinking, if they are unrehearsed for this show, when the f**k are they EVER gonna be??

Strike Umpteen:
It's your f***in' RECORD RELEASE show!!! How bout some f***in' self promotion!!! Or are you guys above that?? Your attitude sure the f**k points in that direction! Plaster flyers all over town, tell every mother f***in' person you know to come to your show cause you don't want to miss this one! Build some f***in' anticipation!!! YOU f***in' do it!!! You expect people to buy tons of your records when you perform like that?? All Billy and I have heard for months is how you can do it on your own . . . you DEMAND that you are making a statement with your records. Yet you don't take the biggest show of your career seriously??!!!! Who the f***k are you???? You have sold less than 10,000 records! Instead of gettin' f***in' drunk every night hangin' out on the scene, your asses should have been in your basement f***ing rehearsing!!! You have become completely lackadaisical in every aspect of your career! You turn s**t into me late . . . if ever, you cancel PAYING gigs last minute and piss off the clubs that were there supporting you from the beginning . . . You f***in' have the balls to play the poor pitiful routine cause you don't have any money, yet you have the leisure to turn down money??!!! And don't be handin' me anymore of that bulls**t about Jim's wrist . . . figure it out . . . or f***in' have the courtesy to let the club know sooner! It wasn't long ago that you guys were making fun of The Chamber Stings for doing the absolute same s**t!! It takes you 4 F***ING MONTHS to finish the master! While you give ME attitude, in the tone of a threat, that the record has to be released in March! You don't f***in' communicate with anyone, let alone yourselves . . . Dean you just dropped off the face of the f***in' earth during the SET UP of your record!!! Then you guys turn in f***in' shitty photos last minute to me that will actually run and be seen by others. AND I STILL am yet to see the negatives!! I just got a call from Roe telling me that you guys told him to call me about getting paid for the artwork. That s**t HAS to be pre-approved! You NEVER told me he was charging me. If so, I would not have agreed, and I would have had you do it with my guy. I ain't gonna f***in' pay him!

This is the way you choose to represent yourselves??? You guys think that you don't need me and can do it all yourselves . . . well, keep it up and before you know it, you'll all be PERMANENTLY working schlep jobs!!!